stuck inside the helmet

[kragore]

There was a discussion Sunday about learning styles. About how I don't feel I learn well from just repeatedly being bludgeoned in the same spot over and over. How that leads to frustration and anger at myself that I can't protect myself from getting clocked in the same place. That it leads me to eventually stop fighting certain individuals, as I don't feel I'm learning.
In hindsight, I think I am.

That makes me angrier, because that method of teaching leaves me feeling like crap - physically, but more deeply emotionally. There are many reasons for this, none of them rational, and none of them immediately fixable. I just need to work through it, with a few very select people to help. If we pick though the above statement, we find the theme of frustration, anger and self-protection. What do I have to protect myself from? I'm there to get hit and to hit. Let it go.
Oh, that it were so simple.

If there's anything I've figured out, it's that there's no magic switch to flip to negate deeply seated emotional hurts. This hobby has the nasty habit of taking those things which you thought you dealt with and carefully packaged away, pulling them out into the light and ripping them wide open again. Think you were over the fear of being laughed at? Of being yelled at? Of being disciplined? Of disappointing?
Think again.
It's all pulled out for you to rummage through again. At night. When you can't sleep and the clock is mocking you and the one place to retreat is elusive. Some days it'll be easier to tape up those boxes and shove them into the emotional corner. But those day where you're raw and lonely, when the helmet isn't big enough for you and all the voices in your head, all yelling, coaxing, cajoling different things at once? Those are not the days when the boxes stay in their corners.

But something must be working.
It's taking people longer to kill me.

Comments

[bytchearse.livejournal.com]

OK, so I'm quoting myself again, but this is the first thing that popped into my head:
http://bytchearse.livejournal.com/181612.html

The particular art doesn't matter; deep down and waiting like an annoying little imp are those fears of our adolescence, which only need a trigger to pop up from time to time. When they do, it is sometimes near impossible to fight them back.

Other than that...good on you for making them work to kill you! :-)

[dulcinbradbury.livejournal.com]

Donovan once told me about a situation where the same trick worked several times on someone. Once he realized the other person just wasn't seeing what he was doing, he stopped, and they talked about what he was doing & what the other guy needed to do to fix it.

I think there's room to teach by repetition & let someone see if they work out what they're doing wrong (and what you're doing right). However, it can also cross into bullying, which bothers me.

I'm no expert

[osgkar.livejournal.com]

I sat through a class with Duchess Elina.
She has a really good handle on motivation
I had thought that her book was sexist dreck before I sat and listened with a open mind. She really convinced my previous conclusions were uninformed.You might find it worth a read.
The Armored Rose is her book.