Feb. 23rd, 2017 11:43 am
kragore: (Default)
I'm wrestling with my living space.
The price is right. The location is right. The environment has ceased to be.
I've been looking at condos, because then I don't have to do as much work around the place. I can be at the farm every weekend, like it feels like I already am, and not have to worry about cutting the grass.
The inventory around here is low, prices are high, and HOA fees are higher. It's depressing.
Then the question - Do I even want to stay around here?
But there's no work opening up out west, and there's very little chance that I will be moving in with the SO. At this rate, probably ever. I have to protect my own assets first, and that means a better place to live.
I just don't know where.
kragore: (Default)
• When I left the house the morning of 1/21/17, I was scared. I was alone, going to a place where I didn't know if I was going to be meeting friendly people or not, I decided to leave any form of weapon behind, including my trusty pocket knife that I carry every day. If I was going to do this, I was going to do this to the best of my abilities. I didn't know if there were going to be like, 20 people standing on the Common because everyone else got apathetic and stayed home.

• I agonized over how I dressed like someone preparing to hike the Whites in January. Layers rather than bulk, and clothes I could move in easy but that were abrasion resistant. Who knew my official brand of Protesting would be Duluth Trading Co.? What shoes? Sturdy hiking boots or running sneakers? (I settled on the boots.)

• When I got to the Commuter Rail platform, There was a sizable crowd already gathered, people in groups of 2, 4, +. Some singletons like myself.
There was a curious group of 4 white males, approx. late 20's/early 30's, who carried no signs, wore nothing to suggest they were going to the rally, at least not with good intentions. Their group, which I observed from the far side of the tracks, seemed nervous, agitated. They moved forward as if to get on the train headed east, reversed course, circled around as if to get on the platform again, and then eventually left. I observed no one being aggressive towards them, but their group dynamic and body language was peculiar.
The train was approaching capacity by Ashland, and was full in Framingham.

• I got off in Back Bay, and walked over to the Garden, very slowly made my way to the Common. It was already packed.

• The mood was cautiously optimistic. Resolute, determined, yet warm. I don't know how that makes any sense, but it did at the time. People were friendly.

• People liked my sign. I was shy, I didn't think anyone would care, because there were no swears, no colors, and no witty sayings. But history. One cop really complemented it, really liked it. I wanted to hug him, but the sign was in the way.

• I still hate crowds like that. 150k people can suck the life right out of you. Not being able to move was a test in mental control. I still don't like it, and all I could think about was the crush in Kenmore right before the bombing, when Ian and I mused about population densities and biological weapons. Not a joyful thing to keep your heart light when you're shuffling along by inches.

• I saw every age, and every skin tone, and every gender reflected in the crowd. Children were everywhere. I really liked that.

• Bringing a granola bar was a very good idea. Not drinking water so I wouldn't need to find a bathroom was a mixed bag. It turned out to be partly sunny and about 50*, so I wound up dehydrated and spent the next two days chugging water.

• Meeting Shu_Al was wonderful luck. Thought I had resolved to being ok with being there "alone" it was better to have a buddy. Cell phone use was spotty. True texts were the way to go.

• My feet really hurt after that, and it was good to sit down and have a beer.

• The Free Hugs Pitbull was the best.

I don't know what to take away from this, other than if we could get all women and people who are allies of women's concerns pointed in the same direction, we could be an unstoppable force. That people still believe in kindness. That people still do desire to do good. That maybe it isn't always pointed in exactly the direction this specific cause or that specific cause would like, but people want to do good.

There are still good people in the world. That's what I have to hold onto from all of this. That we aren't all apathetic and cynical to the point of in-action.
kragore: (Default)
I'm trying to get a handle on the Women's March, in which I participated this past Saturday.
I'm trying to figure out how I feel about the whole thing.
I know it was important for me to go. I know I'm glad I went. I know that I feel like it was the right thing to do.
I'm trying to tease out the message that I heard that day from the messages I've been hearing afterwards, and decide what I want to take away from all of this.

More later. I have to reflect on all of this further.
kragore: (Default)
Migrated over from LJ, and sadly, nixing that account. I'm sort of sad about it, as it's been my longest lasting online thing. Heck, I started LJ in my second year of college, I think, though I'm loathe to go back and look. Younger me should stay younger, and fixed in her point in time.

Life has changed since I logged in that first time. A lot.
kragore: (Raven)

Haven't posted in a long while.

Things are things. People die, people are born, jobs are great, jobs go to hell, car is broken, car is fixed, plans are made, plans are rewritten, plans are cancelled, relationships are concieved, relationships age, relationships end, relationships change.

Cattle should be calveing soon. Got some bees, putting in a small yard at the farm. Hope to expand it up to about 10 hives in the next few years. Starting with 2. Idlely looking at work oportunities in the W. MA/Southern VT area after July 15th. (see, "jobs go to hell".)

Ideally, I would like to be moving back thataway in the next 2-5 years. If not sooner.

Trying to sell the motorcycle. Needs a rear end alignment badly - was never done in the fall with the new tire - have an appointment to get it trucked over and serviced at a place in Upton because in this case I'm Completely Out Of Fucks.

Hobby has become an emotional drain. I love some of the people, but my opinion of the current state of affairs is neither popular nor wanted right now. So, you know, "Whatever, Dude."

So yea. Bees. Yay.

kragore: (Raven)
It seems that a number of people have grown unaware that I treat FB like I would my living room. And if you start throwing down in my living room, (a giant living room made up of a lot of people you might not know personally, who's situation in life you may be blissfully unaware,) I'm going to turn the lights off and toss ya'll out in the street.
I can not wander around the internet without feeling attacked for almost every aspect of my life right now.

I'm a heavy fighter, so I'm a horrible anti-fencer.

I'm deeply disappointed about how the kingdom has handled this past fall crown, but I should just suck it up and accept it, otherwise I'm anti-kingdom.

I was raised with religion, and science tell us that that's unnecessary for morality, so I'm just a quaint backwards person with an invisible friend.

I'm a person who has always felt strongly about protecting the rights of my LGBT friends, but a familial situation has made it such that I have had second, (and third, and forth) thoughts about just how deep those convictions go. But I'm battered over the head every day with how if I don't absolutely believe in championing their rights (even to the detriment of other's) I'm a horrible person.

I drive a regular old gas powered car. I must hate the environment.

I raise beef cattle and eat them. I must hate animals.

I rent, work 8 hours a day and do not have a fenced in back yard. Therefore I must be an unfit dog owner.

I don't have kids and I don't have any idea about anything, so I'm unfit to have opinions.

I believe in responsible gun ownership. And that means tests and licensing.
So depending who you talk to, I'm either a monster who's pro-gun, or I'm a terrible anti-gun person for thinking they need better nationwide regulation.

I'll be 35 in May. The internet tells me I'm failure for not having matching dinnerware. In the past week, I've also been told via the electrons that I'm a failure for not having kids, for not being married, for not having a job that I LURV, for not having enough set aside for retirement, for not being proactive enough about my career, for having an opinion, for not having an opinion. That I'm going to die from any of a dozen different forms of cancer, so I should give give give, as if giving all spare income may somehow spare me from the prostate cancer from which I'm surely going to die...
Waaaaaaait a minute....

I constantly feel utterly damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Doesn't make getting out of bed every morning any easier.


Nov. 25th, 2014 12:49 pm
kragore: (Raven)
It was with some self disgust that I was looking at myself in the mirror, left the woman's room here at work, and almost immediately a coworker offered me a mint chocolate cheesecake ball.

kragore: (Raven)
Sat down and sewed up the holes in my fighting pants.
Hopefully, this weekend will see an end to the albatross that has become the breast/backplate of my "new" suit of armor I ordered 3+ years ago.
New stainless spaulders and arms on order to match the new kit. (Different armorer - I should have it the by the first few weeks of Jan.)
Need to get a gorget made that will tie the new helmet that's been sitting on my living room floor for a year to the rest of the kit.
Need to look into the boots again, and a new gambeson.

Maybe I'll get this kit together by the time I wind up quitting.

Which lately has been an awfully tempting proposition.


Jul. 24th, 2014 10:58 am
kragore: (Raven)
I've had the song "War Was in Color" stuck in my head the last two days.
My buddy from high school, Zippy, just retired from the Army after 16 years.
My brother in law retired over a year ago after 20.

For a while in Junior and Senior year of highschool, I entertained the idea of attending Norwich University, if they would have me. Maybe if there had been some parental encouragement, I would have pursued it harder, but I was their baby girl, and it wasn't discouraged, but it wasn't encouraged either. I think they breathed a sigh of relief when I stopped talking about it.

I've always half regretted not serving in some military capacity. Sometimes I wonder where I'd be now if I hadn't just let it go.
Maybe halfway around the world.
Maybe dead.

But that is a young person's path. And while I don't have a foot in the grave yet, there's days where it's very apparent I'm no longer that person. You can't dwell on the couldabeens, but every once in a while they sneak up on you.
kragore: (Raven)
Hey there kids -
This has become an issue recently.
I'm not wearing a colored belt, (red, yellow, or green) at my discretion, not from a lack of offers.

This is in No Way a reflection of the offer-ers. They are kind, skilled, and supportive individuals. They see something in me I'm still working on.
I don't feel I'm in an emotionally stable enough place to take on the commitment involved with that type of relationship, regardless of what level of commitment is actually involved.
I appreciate those who have my best interest at heart and want to advocate for me - but where I'm at right now is working for me.

It might change. But I have discussed my situation at length with the players involved, and they are granting me the time and space to grow with and into my decisions.
kragore: (Raven)
The thought of family, and building families (not only biologically speaking, but socially speaking) has been swirling in my noggin lately. About choices, decisions, and ramifications.
It's not baked - I don't know that it will ever be. It's just there. Maybe later when I have more brainpower.
kragore: (Raven)
I do not want to leave the house. Leaving the house means spending money, which I'm trying very hard not to do.
But I need things like groceries.

This weekend was supposed to "design the wedding invitation" weekend.
Or I could shave the cat. I already took the sledge hammer to the walk way to get rid of the 3" of ice that had accumulated before it refreezes.

I have named the squirrel that raids the feeders Walter.
Did the laundry.
Cleaned the cat box.

If I stay here, I have to deal with the damned invitations. If I go out, I'm going to run into the money anxiety wall. It's a cyclical thing. I don't always have such a wall.

Well, there's always booze.


Feb. 3rd, 2014 09:40 pm
kragore: (Raven)
My sister is getting married this July. It's going to be very casual and laid back.
My mother is insistent on throwing her a pre-wedding Tea.
Not a Shower.
No gifts necessary.
Just an excuse for the women folk to get together and eat finger sandwiches at an event other than a funeral.
But popular opinion is that it will be perceived as a shower, regardless.
And that if one is invited to a shower, even if it isn't, one is automagically invited to the wedding.
But she's not inviting a lot of people to the wedding because weddings are bloody expensive.
So I had to align my mother's invite list to my sister's invite list and make sure no one was left off that she'd be heart broken over.
But now Mother is pissy because I asked sister to look at the invite list.
As if she didn't know she was going to get an anti-shower.

Etiquette Sucks Balls.


Jan. 1st, 2014 01:12 am
kragore: (Raven)
This year was a very long year.
It was not a particularly good year.
There were a number of situations that have tested me to a breaking point, and then nudged me over into uncharted territory.
There was a lot of discussed heartbreak. There was a lot of undiscussed heartbreak.

I was not broken, but I am not the same. The armor gets welded back on, the plates are different shapes.
I suppose the same can be said of any year, good or ill. None of us are the same people we were a year, two, ten years ago.

I don't have any resolutions for 2014 beyond avoiding public bombings, perhaps trying to figure out how I can be kinder to myself.
This past year I let myself go to a massage therapist semi-regularly, and I tried to get to church regularly, even if it's not technically my confirmed denomination.
We shall see what this new year will bring.

Most pressingly, an early wake up, since HorseChaser is bringing SniperLad and the family up for breakfast.
kragore: (Raven)
Sibling moved out while I was at the folk's for thanksgiving. Was gone when I got back.
Still not sure what I'm going to do with the space.
Still living with a lack of resolution, general anxiety.
Feel like one big toothache. Physically and emotionally.
Having difficulty concentrating at work at all. Has gotten much worse, actually.

Cat is much more snuggly now that I'm the only thumb monkey in the house.
Cat is still not a dog.


Oct. 31st, 2013 11:23 am
kragore: (Raven)
Tree crap aside, this is what I'm planning to have with me for Crown. And yes, I paid for the dayboard, but I know how likely it is for either me or my consort to actually get there.

2 chairs
1 small table
3 quart carafe of hot water (pick up from BBB this evening)
cocoa mix
apple slices
purple gatorade
red and blue gatorade gummy blocks

I need to bring the sacks of black walnuts to give away.

Tree crap:
folding table
Consort's device
New Knight's device
All the arms
The new toolbox with screws/extra crap
The retrofitted CA Tree. (uprights, base)
Drill/Bit to make CA tree work on site
Tools. Because.

Also, I sent in my resignation to Brigantia this morning.
Spring will be my last Crown coordinating this. If anyone's interested in taking over, speak up.
kragore: (Raven)
This week I will have two nights to myself.
This weekend is helping with Dorchester.
Next weekend is Crown.
The weekend after that is back off to the folks.
Then an off weekend, which likely won't stay off for long.
Then 100 Min.
Then Thanksgiving.

This time of year, it's best to stay busy.
kragore: (Raven)
Going out to the folks this weekend to help build a cattle chute.
This is necessary to make sure the girls are knocked up, and my $800 bull rental got his job done.

Good times, good times.


kragore: (Default)

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