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Revamped the resume, applied for a job, went for an hour walk, and did two loads of laundry.
And did a lot of thinking.
When you're in a shit-tacular relationship, and it ends, you have a number of options. Find an interest in the same sex, swear off the opposite sex, get a dog, enter a convent, drive across the country.
But when you're in a shit-tacular work relationship, and it ends, you have fewer options. You can't just swear off dating, you have to date, or in the bussiness sense, work. You have to put yourself out there, back under the light and try to dance with a new partner again.
And learning how to dance again is hard. For me, because the last time I did the employment dance, I was beat up on the dancefloor. And the more time that goes by, the less I want to dance - put myself out for scrutanization, where I can be hurt again. I don't want to dance with strangers who don't know me, and don't like me, and don't care.
In the end, I walked away from that last relationship more hurt than I've ever been. In all my trying not to take it personally, it the end, it was very personal, and very hurtful. Now I'm gun-shy and finding all different reasons not to apply to new jobs- it's not quite right, it's not in the right area, etc, etc.
But it all comes down to not wanting to get beat up on the dancefloor again.
I don't know how to get over it - I tell myself that that was a specific situation, and that it's not going to happen again - but the brain screams otherwise. The lyzard in the back of the brain is terrified of finding us there again, because it dosn't think it could handle it again.
that's a reason why i've been very, very flakey aboutthis round of job hunting.
-k.
And did a lot of thinking.
When you're in a shit-tacular relationship, and it ends, you have a number of options. Find an interest in the same sex, swear off the opposite sex, get a dog, enter a convent, drive across the country.
But when you're in a shit-tacular work relationship, and it ends, you have fewer options. You can't just swear off dating, you have to date, or in the bussiness sense, work. You have to put yourself out there, back under the light and try to dance with a new partner again.
And learning how to dance again is hard. For me, because the last time I did the employment dance, I was beat up on the dancefloor. And the more time that goes by, the less I want to dance - put myself out for scrutanization, where I can be hurt again. I don't want to dance with strangers who don't know me, and don't like me, and don't care.
In the end, I walked away from that last relationship more hurt than I've ever been. In all my trying not to take it personally, it the end, it was very personal, and very hurtful. Now I'm gun-shy and finding all different reasons not to apply to new jobs- it's not quite right, it's not in the right area, etc, etc.
But it all comes down to not wanting to get beat up on the dancefloor again.
I don't know how to get over it - I tell myself that that was a specific situation, and that it's not going to happen again - but the brain screams otherwise. The lyzard in the back of the brain is terrified of finding us there again, because it dosn't think it could handle it again.
that's a reason why i've been very, very flakey aboutthis round of job hunting.
-k.
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no subject
Date: 2006-10-11 06:30 pm (UTC)From:I was in an abusive (work) relationship for FIVE YEARS and I stayed because they paid me well. I sold my soul. It sucked. It nearly turned me into an alcoholic. I walked out that door about three years ago, and am still feeling the repercussions. I stayed on unemployment for as long as possible, 'cause I didn't want to look. I didn't want more abuse. I didn't feel like I was worth anything to a non-abusive employer.
I am now thinking about changing jobs, but there I am again, exactly in that same spot. Am I worth anything? How do I put myself out there, knowing there are abusers, knowing I could, as you say, "get beat up on the dance floor" again (and again, and again)? So I stay where I am, 'cause it's safe, and boring, and non-abusive. How pathetic!
The way I got over the first "hump" was to get in with a temp agency and let them market me. That's how I got this job. I'm not sure how to market myself to a new company.
So maybe we should job-hunt together, 'cause I'm not getting anywhere myself, either.
:(
no subject
Date: 2006-10-12 06:16 pm (UTC)From:I've been applying, but it's been a scatterd, half-assed process...
I wonder if they have support groups for survivors of bad work relationships? :)
- k.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-14 12:31 pm (UTC)From:I wish I could help you out, but I'm in the same boat, now that I'm in New Hampshire with leslie. The jobs I would like are crazy competitive and the jobs that are available are for demons.
I totally empathize for your situation, I don't want to work in a light bulb factory, but its coming to that...