Revamped the resume, applied for a job, went for an hour walk, and did two loads of laundry.
And did a lot of thinking.
When you're in a shit-tacular relationship, and it ends, you have a number of options. Find an interest in the same sex, swear off the opposite sex, get a dog, enter a convent, drive across the country.
But when you're in a shit-tacular work relationship, and it ends, you have fewer options. You can't just swear off dating, you have to date, or in the bussiness sense, work. You have to put yourself out there, back under the light and try to dance with a new partner again.
And learning how to dance again is hard. For me, because the last time I did the employment dance, I was beat up on the dancefloor. And the more time that goes by, the less I want to dance - put myself out for scrutanization, where I can be hurt again. I don't want to dance with strangers who don't know me, and don't like me, and don't care.
In the end, I walked away from that last relationship more hurt than I've ever been. In all my trying not to take it personally, it the end, it was very personal, and very hurtful. Now I'm gun-shy and finding all different reasons not to apply to new jobs- it's not quite right, it's not in the right area, etc, etc.
But it all comes down to not wanting to get beat up on the dancefloor again.
I don't know how to get over it - I tell myself that that was a specific situation, and that it's not going to happen again - but the brain screams otherwise. The lyzard in the back of the brain is terrified of finding us there again, because it dosn't think it could handle it again.
that's a reason why i've been very, very flakey aboutthis round of job hunting.
-k.
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