When a copy of "First Aid on the Farm, (1954 ed)" is the best christmas present ever

(Scene opens. It is dark. It's 9* out, wind chill is -20*. We are in an unheated barn, lit with 3 bare light bulbs.)
(Cue wind howling sound effect.)
(Cue cows chewing sound effect.)

Horse Chaser, (shoveling) - "Now, won't you be glad to get back to your nice warm apartment!"

Self, (shoveling) - "Sweetheart, this shit right here is predicable. It even freezes predictably. Cow + food + time always equals shit. If something happens and shit isn't the outcome, we both know something has gone terribly wrong. The book says so.
Now the type of shit I shovel regularly, it's not ever so wonderfully predictable, which means you don't know when it's going to hit the fan, you only know it will. So to speak"

Horse Chaser (pausing) - "Well, there's that. You're welcome to my shit anytime."

Self, (picking up pick axe and menacing frozen cow shit) - "You're so kind."