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Stress dreams
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:01 amI'd been given detention - I'm never in trouble, I'm not a bad person - but they had given me detention because they didn't want anyone to graduate with a perfect record.
Something about a scholorship if I did, that they didn't have the money to pay me, because thye'd spent it on booze.
I sat and willed the anger to roll off my like a tide... a grown up me, wedged into a elementary sized desk...
***
I called to tell my folks I managed to get myself a job last night and thier reaction was luke warm, at best. Mom only wanted to know if it came with benefits, and Dad only wanted to know when I was coming home next. Can't we just be happy about this?
After all the crap I've put up with and work through to land this, I would have expected a more positive reaction. The whole conversation proceeded to just piss me off, afterwhich Garou and Autumn (as well as The Man) had to witness me being irritated, at best, for which I'm truely sorry. Salary came up, and while it's something I personally don't care about, I should be sensitive that other people do...
I'm trying to be happy and excited and all those things that I should be about the job. But really, I'm looking at the bottom line - How much am I going to make and for how long, is it going to be within reasonable terms of Suck, and will that afford me to be able to buy a car.
If they are willing to pay me what I think they're talking about, Why? What am I going to be doing that's worth so much to them? Or is it just the corporate monster I'm seeing again? (I've always seen the "Don't Bother Paying the Designer Monster", but rumors persist of the very rare "Give Them Whatever They Want Monster," a throwback breed to the DotCom period.)
I am so scared of what I'm about to do, and on top of the tired of waiting, on top of the wanting to live like a real adult again, on top of wanting to please my parents, on top of all of that, I just don't want to be poor anymore.
Don't be fooled. It's not determination or courage or balls that got me here.
It's fear and desperation that drives me.
- k.
Something about a scholorship if I did, that they didn't have the money to pay me, because thye'd spent it on booze.
I sat and willed the anger to roll off my like a tide... a grown up me, wedged into a elementary sized desk...
***
I called to tell my folks I managed to get myself a job last night and thier reaction was luke warm, at best. Mom only wanted to know if it came with benefits, and Dad only wanted to know when I was coming home next. Can't we just be happy about this?
After all the crap I've put up with and work through to land this, I would have expected a more positive reaction. The whole conversation proceeded to just piss me off, afterwhich Garou and Autumn (as well as The Man) had to witness me being irritated, at best, for which I'm truely sorry. Salary came up, and while it's something I personally don't care about, I should be sensitive that other people do...
I'm trying to be happy and excited and all those things that I should be about the job. But really, I'm looking at the bottom line - How much am I going to make and for how long, is it going to be within reasonable terms of Suck, and will that afford me to be able to buy a car.
If they are willing to pay me what I think they're talking about, Why? What am I going to be doing that's worth so much to them? Or is it just the corporate monster I'm seeing again? (I've always seen the "Don't Bother Paying the Designer Monster", but rumors persist of the very rare "Give Them Whatever They Want Monster," a throwback breed to the DotCom period.)
I am so scared of what I'm about to do, and on top of the tired of waiting, on top of the wanting to live like a real adult again, on top of wanting to please my parents, on top of all of that, I just don't want to be poor anymore.
Don't be fooled. It's not determination or courage or balls that got me here.
It's fear and desperation that drives me.
- k.
