Letters from the Dog

[kragore]

So there I was, enjoying my day, the sun, the leaves, the grey beasts that torment me, when what to my delight did I find, but a Thing!
A wonderful, blessed happy smelly dead Thing! And it was in my yard!

I fairly quivered with anticipation, and then, careful to avoid the watchful gaze of the Woman, I did what any self respecting dog would do.

I chewed upon it thoughtfully, until it no longer crunched, but rather just mushed about - The most wonderful mouthfeel! I could have done with a nice long drink at this point, but my work was not done. In order to make the most of this gift from above, I layed it gently upon the ground and with exhuberant enthusasim, rolled about on it, this way and that, coating myself with it's wonderful purfume.

It was at this point that my worship of the gift was discovered. The woman could tell my rolls of pleasure were not just for the happy morning dew. She called me over, and, tail between my legs I wandered over. Slowly. But the breeze was not in my favor, and the Woman remarked, "What on Earth is that Smell? Mr. McWoofyPants, What have you done?!?!"

I sat, looking mournfully at the ground, contemplating the complex odor that was drifting off of me. I couldn't understand what the Woman didn't find appealing about it, but suddenly, the little talking box was out, and the Woman was talking to it.
"Hi there! Yes. Mr. McWoofyPants, Golden Retriever. Do you have anything today? Closeing Early? Oh... No thank you, I'll call back if we can't figure something out."
"You've lucked out for now, my odiferous friend..."

The day passed. I spend some time with Mr. FluffyBottom, who has come to visit. I went for a nice long walk with the Man. The Woman dissappeared for a while, and came back with a bottle of stuff. It kind of smelt like flowers. Definately not like Dead Things.
I was invited into the Tile Room.
I'm never invited into the Tile Room.
The door was closed.
The bottle was out.
The woman was wearing strange clothes.

I was then, uncerimoniously, dumped into warm water up to my tummy, the woman standing over me.
I don't like water.
I was wet.
She made me wetter. Scrubbing and wetting and scrubbing some more. My paws, and my head, my tail, and everything in the middle.

Oh, the indignaty of it all!

Finally, she deemed my punishment over, and I was allowed to get out, thoroughly soaking the Tile Room, everything in the Tile Room, and the Woman in the process.

She toweled me. She brushed me. She cleaned my ears.
I'm so clean I squeek.

Then she corraled Mr FullyBottom, (about whom I'd lied, and said he rolled in it too,) and did the same thing to him!

She's a monster. We've decided to just allow her to torture us, it's easier.

We're both so exhausted from the ordeal, we're passed out on our respective beds. The Woman did take pity on us and toss blankets over us so we can try more slowly.

I must go recouperate.

- Mr. McWoofyPants